Waiting

I am not a patient person.

There's a really dumb Time Warner commercial where the dude is talking about how much he hates waiting. At one point he's staring at a microwave menacingly with a baseball bat, as waiting for his popcorn to pop has become too much for him.

I identified with that man.

So, about a month ago, I applied for a job at a company I was very excited about possibly being a part of. I interviewed three times with five different people, all very lovely and positive experiences. And then I began what I am now calling "The Ordeal."

The first week of the Ordeal was pretty normal. I felt good about all my interviews and knew that the company would take a few days to get back to me. Their HR lady was kind enough to send me an update two days after my last interview letting me know that I could expect closure early the next week. The very next day, she sent me an apologetic email, letting me know that, due to some unexpected staff changes, the position I applied for no longer existed. There was, however, an opening for a slightly less glamourous job, and, was I interested?

After thinking about it for roughly sixteen seconds (I realllllllyyyyyyyyy wanted out of my current job at Horrible Company, Inc.) I said, why yes, I was interested. Great! she replied promptly, we can set up an interview for next Wednesday.

Ok, I thought, another interview. No big deal, it's probably just a formality, and I'm sure they can make up their minds pretty quickly. I was wrong.

The interview had to be pushed back a week because somebody selfishly went on vacation. Then the job description changed slightly and they wanted to know if I was still ok with it.

Then I finally did interview, and it was a lovely and positive experience. The interviewers assured me that I would hear from the nice HR lady soon, probably in the next couple of days.

And then, nothing. I waited a week in nervous anticipation, checking my phone and my email constantly in blatant disregard for my company's policies and procedures. It's a wonder I wasn't caught and fired immediately (I would have been ok with that). I turned into a nervous shell of a person, nibbling at my fingernails and cuticles like a rabid gerbil and slowly driving my husband insane with my nightly wonderings of what the hell was taking them so long.

Finally, I got an email. It was the HR lady! Glancing nervously over my shoulder to ensure my boss wasn't looking, I opened it. The HR lady wanted to know if I was still interested in the job and how I felt the last interview went.

Really? I thought huffily. Seriously?

I sent a (possibly too) brief reply restating that yes, yes I was still very interested and that the interview had been a lovely and positive experience.

Great! She replied. We should have some more information for you in the next couple of days.

I had a mild breakdown.

The next three days were sheer torture for me. The stress of working somewhere I didn't want to be anymore while still trying to do the best job possible, plus the infuriating and seemingly endless wait I was enduring turned me into a raving psycho bitch. My coworkers avoided me. My pets slinked away when they heard my step. The plants in our house wilted when my shadow fell on them. My husband put on his headphones and played Warcraft for hours at a time. He told me he was playing with his online buddies and had to concentrate and listen, but I know better, and do not blame him.

Finally, I got a sort-of answer. It was positive and amounted to an unofficial offer of employment. It was enough to go ahead and give my resignation letter (drawn up six months ago) to Horrible Company, Inc.

I still don't have an official offer, but the HR lady assures me I will get it early next week.

She also thanked me for my patience.

My new office will have a wall-mounted baseball bat, just in case.